Free yourself of Shame, Become Unstoppable!

There are many things I feel shame about.

But the two things that have cost me the most, is the shame around money and love.

Let's make a quick distinction between guilt and shame. Two emotions often and easily confused.

Guilt is the effect we assume we have on others, shame is about an aspect deep within ourselves. It’s a specific quality that we become aware of that , if others were to know about, would have us rejected or cast out of society.

Shame is at it's core, the primal and fundamental human need to belong,

We cannot ignore the effect of growing up in a patriarchal society on our beliefs. This is especially true for our ideas about money and love.

Love is something , I was told growing up, I would get under a certain condition. This condition would involve marriage and children. The way I could get married and have children was by cultivating a ‘marriageable persona’.  

A marriageable woman is someone who is nice, humble, good, reasonable, happy with little, doesn’t ruffle feathers, consistently composed and puts others first.

According to my mother, bless her well intentioned heart, this was also how I would secure a financially sound future.

Should I not cultivate a 'marriageable persona), I ran the risk of being labeled. promiscuous, slutty (same thing), trouble, unladylike, free-spirited (if they were trying to be nice), irresponsible, emotional, irrational, difficult, reckless, selfish...and the list goes on.

My father was more ambivalent about marriage.

For me, the way to money in his mind was to work hard and be quiet. I should keep my dreams moderate, stay employed, not make a fuss, and slowly work to a safe existence.

Should I aim for a better work life, I ran the risk of being labeled overly ambitious, greedy, silly, a career woman (there are no career men), masculine, bossy, abrasive, aggressive... and more.

Most women fit into two categories. There is the Marriageable Good Girl, whether she’s married or not. And, the exhausted Self-Reliant Woman, whether she's successful or not.

I spent most of my life swinging between these two paths. Luckily, I kind of sucked at both. Turns out there was a very good unconscious reason as to why.

Sure, divorce comes with its own brand of shame, as does an unsuccessful business, but these are not the things I felt the deepest shame about.

The depth of my shame emerged when I looked closely at my true desires, when I finally found the courage to name what I really wanted.

I wanted much more money. But, I didn't want to work in traditional ways for it. And I wanted so much love , but I didn't want to be bound by the contract of marriage in exchange for it.

"These two statements are significant. If you are more progressive and wondering why, then you may understand little about the impact of growing up in a patriarchal culture on a woman's psyche."

The world does not want women to have access to wealth. And the world certainly doesn’t want women looking for love other than from her betrothed.

In order for me to start pursuing money and love in the way I wanted, meant I had to break up with the social conditioning that had me believing, that the only path to wealth and fulfilling relationships was through marriage and/or working like a man**.

Many women take the marriage and children path. They end up trying desperately to prove their value, if they aren’t working. They have To-Do lists the length of their arms. They raise the kids and run circles around their husbands and the home. They often feel that hubby is the 3rd or 4th child. A moment to themselves has become a guilty pleasure.

And many women take the self-reliant path. They taught themselves never to rely on a man, or anybody for that matter. They work as hard as they can, take care of themselves and are terrible at asking for help. They're often (understandably) resentful, exhausted and disappointed in general.

The 50/50 woman has it the worst. She works, raises the kids and if statistics are to be believed, still does most of the work around the home. Yes, she may have earned the right to work for her own money, but she still married under patriarchy. This means she still does most of the caregiving, housework, and child rearing.

**I speak a lot about working under patriarchal contracts as women, and how this is counterintuitive to our nature and true talents, which you can read about in my other articles.

If you’re wondering why I put money and love together in one article, it's because you cannot separate the two, not yet.

I was born four years after women were allowed to own a credit card, property, or get a loan from a bank without their husbands' permission. That was 1974. I was born in 1978. But, as a woman, having or earning any real wealth would be very hard and here's why.

What I say now is going to be very important so pay attention:

The laws have changed. A woman doesn't need to get married. She has (albeit disadvantaged) access to money. But, her conditioning hasn't caught up yet. Something deep in her senses danger. It happens if she dares to want something other than what's been historically presented on the social menu.

I could only start pursuing my version of enough money when I took a hard look at my desires and felt into the shame of wanting them. I had to see what love and money outside of patriarchy looks like. And that has made all the difference.

I have come to know the biggest difference between happy, confident people and miserable, insecure ones. It is how friendly they are with their shame.

Shame is a deeply primal emotion and grows more powerful in the dark.

Think of shame as a powerful black panther that lives in a cave inside your awareness. Imagine that every time you distance yourself from this panther, it retreats further and further into the cave, except it gets stronger and stronger and more powerful each time.

Imagine that it comes out each time you discover something within yourself that you think might get you cast out of the group.

When you were being socialised, you most likely, experienced love and got positive attention when you adhered to a particular set of social values, and you experienced pain as a result of punishment, when you didn’t.

You internalised that punishment and it now shows up as shame.

It's a powerful messenger that comes along when you discover a desire that is in conflict with these values. It wants to keep you safe, it wants to keep you belonging and it wants to keep you small.

It also carries enormous transformational potential , and therein lies the hidden opportunity.

Think of a time you've gone out on a limb; expressed a desire that wasn't understood by someone else. Maybe you wanted to dress in a particular way, change your career, maybe you took on a strange hobby or fell in love with someone no one could understand the appeal of.

The pain of shame is so acute that the majority of people would rather sacrifice the experience of a fully lived life, than experience the pain of shame.

They don't become who they want to be, they don't do the things they want to do, and they don’t have the things they want to have.

We're more afraid of the feeling of shame, than we are of actually doing the thing that will cause us shame. It's a feeling that we push further and further into the dark, along with our desires.

Becoming friendly with shame is the most courageous thing you can do.

Imagine you weren't afraid to feel shame. Not because you've suppressed it. Instead, it's because it's become your ally, your friend, a sacred companion. No really, think about what you would do if you weren’t afraid of what people would think and how your relationship would change.

It may not have anything to do with money or love, although our culture is fraught with shame around money, sex and power so I would challenge you to look into all of these areas if you’re interested in exploring the gifts of your shame (I know that may feel like a stretch).

It is absolutely possible to show up as you are and feel worthy of love, attention, affection, adoration, gifts, money and anything else that you want, I promise you. You have to however deal with your shame panther, because if you don’t, it won’t work.

The steps I'm going to lay out for you here is a form of emotional alchemy. (the transformation of a negative emotion into something positive and useful).

There are many ways to perform emotional alchemy. But, these are the 4 steps I use. If you've read my book Magnificently Real, you'll notice it's similar to the REAL method. I use these 4 steps when I'm experiencing an intense surge of shame.

Set some quiet time aside and approach these steps with the same concentration you would a meditation practice. There is no prescription for how long this will take, but the more you do it, the more familiar you become with your shame, and the quicker the alchemical process will take.

1. BECOME AWARE OF THE FEELING

Identify it as shame (similar emotions are embarrassment and cringy)

(I speak a lot about knowing your desires, because without knowing what you want, you'll rarely come up against any real deep levels of shame at all)

2. MAKE FRIENDS

You do this by not only accepting that the feeling of shame is there but by welcoming its presence much like you would a beloved friend. Remembering there is nothing wrong or bad about the feeling of shame.

3. TURN ACCEPTANCE INTO APPROVAL

This is the most important step. Speak your desires out. To the air, to yourself, into a recorder. Bring them into the light. Be as specific as possible and speak the thing you are feeling shame about out loud.

You might find in this step, more things come out. That's ok let them come. I would also recommend doing this with a trusted friend or partner (but please make sure you can trust them with your deepest authenticity).

4. WATCH WHAT HAPPENS.

Get curious. What happens next will be different for everyone. Some will feel intense relief. Some will get a surge of energy (remember the powerful panther). Either way, shame is one of the few emotions that admission alone can alchemise.

The actions you take after you’ve gotten good at this process will quite literally change your life.

Every big move, big ask or significant change you make, will have you dancing with your shame.

It will require you to choose yourself over the status quo, it will require making friends with parts of yourself more powerful than you know (right now).

Follow these 4 steps, the next time you experience your Shame Panther.