Understanding German Relationship Culture

I had two videos go viral on TikTok last month. One was about men in Germany, the other was about the women.

The one about German men is sitting at 75,000 views and over 900 comments. I clearly hit a nerve.

My TikTok account is a place of play for me to share my insights as a South African living in Germany. The eleven years I've spent here in Munich have fundamentally changed how I see the world, how I am in the world and quite frankly wrecked havoc on my identity and therefore how I relate to the world. My posts are a mixture of moans and musings about the insights I've gleaned and the adventures I've had along the way.

I assume you value your attention and your life. That's why you're here on Substack with the thinking folk, not on TikTok. I have to admit I’ve embarrassingly distracted with hundreds of conversations across all my posts with Germans and foreigners while I ignored my community here. But I’m back with some more insights. I hope they'll be useful.

My views are not meant as criticism, although if you're a German man, you may perceive it that way ;) but rather it's an effort to be part of a conversation that acknowledges what's present in our culture, and thus in our homes. My intention is to then inspire the kind of change in the individual that will lead to happier people and healthier relationships.

With initiatives like the "4B movement," there has never been a more critical time to heal our relationship wounds. If you haven't heard about the #4bmovement, it started in South Korea in 2019. It has been growing in popularity across America and Europe. It's also the movement that inspired Bumble's latest advertising campaign which got them and their (internalised) patriarchal founders borderline cancelled. "4B" refers to the four ways in which women are opting out of men. Marriage, Children, Dating and friendship. Entirely. Nada. Over. Not as a manipulation, not as a plead for a change, but simply as a choice for their own peace. While I can absolutely empathise with this movement, I want to be part of a different solution.

So, do you want to meet my German man?

Let me introduce you to him. Regardless of how you identify, social conditioning will affect you if you are raised as a male (assigned at birth) or female (assigned at birth), although these qualities can relate to any gender.

Let's call our German man Lukas. Lukas presents as nice, presentable, polite, successful and hopelessly avoidant (emotionally). He'll be attracted to a woman who is independent, capable, ambitious, and gets things done (if she's German). If she is a foreigner, she will likely share ambition and strength. But, she will likely have a fiery temperament. This is mostly conditioned out of many German women.

Lukas will desperately, relentlessly try to make this woman happy, but in a very specific way ( and this is the important distinction), happy with him, with his 'performance'. Not inherently happy, but pleased with him.

He is very good at this. He is good at this because he learnt very early on to make his mother happy, with him. A child cannot make his mother inherently happy, nor should he, for reasons that will hopefully become quite clear in this article, however that didn't stop him needing to perform pleasing his mother in an effort to be loved.

Lukas' mother would've been physically present and emotionally not. She would've been critical and engulfing, making her son the center of her world, on the condition that he is a 'Good Boy'; that he is pleasing to her.

Lukas will take on the happy mum challenge as if his life depended on it, and in a way, it does. He will also fail, miserably, because mum is not happy and deeply wounded herself. Her unhappiness would have come from her own trauma and Germany's dark history. The men were gone, either dead or at war. It fell largely to the woman to rebuild the country. Something a lot of German women take a lot of defensive pride in.

The next generation, and still a popular setup today, has Dad working and providing, but doing little else. This results in him being hardly present physically and almost non-existent emotionally.

Lukas is the product of this dysfunctional union and the guy you'll most likely encounter while swiping through your dating app.

The upside, although maladaptive, means that he is actually very sweet, innocent, and careful with women. Women will feel safe with him because he knows how to be pleasing to them; but therein lies the problem. If you're awake to this dynamic, this will give the most charming of red flags. So red that in certain lighting it looks positively green.

Everything Lukas does for his beloved will be largely performative. He will unwittingly place his partner firmly in the role of mummy, which means mummy has all the power to assess his performance; either by praising it, punishing it, or criticising it.

You'll notice his hypersensitivity to criticism and if he is very unprocessed will perceive criticism even when there is none. He will often feel like he is failing. He will interpret his partner's anger about anything as a personal failure. He becomes VERY invested in the adage, happy wife, happy life. But what he means is, "well-received performance, happy life."

At the same time, he will be emotionally avoidant. He has very little access to his own feelings. His whole upbringing was about watching for the feelings of his mother. He will also be hypersensitive to control and will fight for autonomy in the relationship in his own way, while emotionally withdrawing and avoiding deep intimacy in the relationship.

Vulnerability is not his thing. Performance is.

It then becomes the job of his partner to mother him. Telling him he's doing well, that he's great and good and pleasing, could be viewed as supportive, but it often includes control, punishment, and, you guess it...criticism.

He has not had a healthy man to look up to. He's left only with the mother wound. It's his only guide to a happy relationship. He will yearn on some level for a more mature love, one that has more passion, peace and fulfilment but he won't know how to create it.

The way this relationship ends, or more tragically, continues is one where Lukas' partner grows more angry, more critical and 'demanding' (for reasons you can read about in my next article about Women in Germany). Lukas grows more quiet. He gives up trying to make his partner happy. He may even decide that nothing he does is ever good enough. He may resign himself to a life of work and dutiful Dad duties.

The conservative culture of family as the highest value, where parents stay unhappily together no matter what, means they centre around the children, turning them into their new religion and their only salvation. Understandably. Sadly if not worked through, they repeat the trauma of their parents and create the next generation of wounded people.

Depressing right?

Kind of, but it doesn't have to be!

You may resonate wholeheartedly with what I've described here, or perhaps there are only elements that you feel to be true, if so, know this: This is not a you problem. You may not be German, or live in Germany for this to be true either. This match made in hell has to a large extent, patriarchy to thank and as we know patriarchy has extended it's toxic touch to all parts of the globe, not just Central Europe.

Take comfort, you are not alone and there is a way out !

Men and women can have fun, deep relationships. They can be playful and fulfilling. In these relationships, the couple's core values are admiration, trust, empathy, and excitement. Can you imagine being able to be fully yourself with your partner, whether you're on a date, or in a long term relationship? Where you feel like you're on the same team, making plans, enjoying your life, your home, your children (if you have them) and your time together? No more walking on egg shells, avoiding your partner entirely and only broaching topics that feel 'Safe' at the dinner table. Can you imagine your children getting to witness a loving, happy, authentic relationship that knows how to deal opening and courageously with conflict?

The steps to take are different for men and for women.

If you're a man, the work will be about learning to tap into your own authentic leadership. Trusting your own gut feelings and learning how to set healthy boundaries. This means the women in your life (yes, also your daughters ) will feel safe in a way that has them respecting you, even admiring you, and taking leadership from you.

If you're a woman, the work will be about learning to do LESS! Learning the art of receiving and tapping into your true DESIRE. The path to you as a woman feeling fulfilled in relationship (or not) is always going to be through your pleasure. Not in your controlling, doing, fixing, and organising.

Whether you are in a relationship or not, if you're dating or not, these dynamics are at play in your life and touch almost all areas, whether it's work, play, or even friendships.

There is enormous power in just naming it! That's the start.