Empowered by Pleasure

There is a wonderful exercise that I do when I want to ground myself in true confidence. I say true confidence because standing in front of a mirror repeating positive affirmations that I really don’t feel authentically at all simply doesn’t work for me. This affirmation repetition has a futuristic unrealism to it that makes me want to say (repeatedly) who are you kidding? And since starting my day laughing at myself is not my preferred approach to a good life, I find myself time and time again going back to a practice that feels more true and looks instead to the past.

The exercise goes like this: Say you are interviewing for a job and you want to be confident, eloquent, present, and calm, but in fact, you feel anxious and full of doubt.

Take some time to think about all the times you aced an interview, and write them down. Be as specific as possible. Think about all the times you were eloquent and present under pressure, and write them down. Keep going until you run out of steam. Take a moment to notice how you feel in your body.

Not only does this exercise change the energy in your body, but it also gives you great insight into your story, who you are, and your natural strengths and talents. Done regularly, you can become deeply intimate with what makes you, you. Not because someone else told you, which we very rarely believe anyway, but because you come to know this for yourself to be true.

I closed my online yoga business last year in September. It hadn’t worked out the way I wanted it to and I found myself burnt out, disillusioned and questioning my path. I took a year off from everything and made myself one promise: I wouldn’t do a single thing if it didn’t feel authentic and aligned with the present moment. Of course this was not done perfectly but I made this my purpose. I wanted to see what would happen if I took all ego identification away from anything relating to my work and promised myself that I would turn on my curiosity to see what would happen if I simply existed, without an agenda.

This was incredibly difficult and my ego hated it. Putting down my identity as yoga teacher was really difficult but entirely necessary for me. This confused almost everyone in my life which, for someone who loves being understood, was really challenging. But I felt such an inner drive for authenticity and I found myself repeating almost robotically whenever it came up, that I was no longer teaching yoga. My yoga teacher identity truly felt like a too tight coat I couldn’t wait to get out of.

I watched what I was drawn to read, the people I was drawn to spend time with, what I would watch, and how I would spend my days. It was during this process that I discovered this powerful exercise that revealed some interesting clues.

The exercise is a kind of ‘taking stock’ of all the times I have gotten what I wanted. Since I needed a new vocation, I looked to all the times I received money, gifts, accolades and invitations.

Through this exercise, I discovered my natural talent for attracting large sums of money and substantial gifts from certain types of people (mainly men but not only) . If this was achieved through manipulation, I was unaware of it. I wore my heart and dreams on my proverbial sleeve, passionately believed in my causes, and openly expressed my desires, fears, and wishes.

It wasn't until I engaged in this exercise and began examining the factors present during these inflows of money and gifts that I realised there was a pattern. There was a specific state I was in when these occurrences were likely to happen. For a long time, I didn't see this as a talent but rather as a fortunate circumstance of being surrounded by generous men.

However, once I noticed how frequently it happened in my life, I recognised it as a gift. The gift of being able to get into this ‘state of receptivity or magnetism’ for lack of a better expression.

It’s also important to mention that I had to work through a lot of shame, yes, shame in receiving things from other people! Hello cultural conditioning. (If you’re interested in how to alchemise shame, you can read my article called Free yourself of Shame, Become Unstoppable!

I have come to believe that a good man, a healthy man wants to and will naturally support, provide and do what he can for a radiantly vital woman; a woman in her state of receptivity and magnetism. While this state has a powerful effect on others, specifically men, It also necessarily requires a certain kind of man, one rooted in his healthy masculinity, be it your boss, your boyfriend or your benefactor.

It was only when I embarked on my journey of breaking away from patriarchy (or patriarchal consciousness, as I prefer to call it) and healing both my inner feminine and masculine that I discovered my inner seductress. Now, I understand that I can amplify these gifts through specific practices that create more space for her. Once I started truly listening to her, I realized she had a lot to say and share. She has guided me here, urging me to share the ways of the seductress with you. I have been living the way of the seductress my entire life without realizing it, and this past year, I have consciously embraced this path. This is my gift to you. Anyone can use the archetype of the seductress to attract what they desire through the act of pleasure, making the process itself an essential and joyful experience.

And if the word seductress and my story is scandalous to you, that’s because it is. It’s scandalous only because our culture has taught us to believe so. There was a time in history where it was pretty common for wealthy men to give large sums of money and gifts in the form of property and jewels to women in a non-scandalous way.

I’m talking, of course, about the time of the courtesan.

The courtesan was different from the prostitute in that she had long-term relationships with her patrons. Courtesans were sophisticated, educated (mostly through non-traditional avenues) women who provided companionship and entertainment to their patrons. She created a world of beauty, sensuality, and pleasure which made time with her intoxicating and stimulating for the men who could afford such extravagance.

Courtesans have existed since ancient times, with origins that trace back to the Greek and Roman eras, and played a prominent role in some societies through the Renaissance and into the 19th century. Courtesans were well established in European societies, mostly in France and Italy, and their influence peaked during the Renaissance. They had actual influence because of their close proximity to the hearts and minds of the most powerful men at the time. In other words, they were women with a certain amount of power at a time when women had very little choice and almost no power.

The options were rather dismal, in fact. If you came from some money or could somehow prove to be of service as a wife and mother, then you could get married. A position most sought after by mothers (for their daughters) having had similar options. The other option was to become a nun, or, for those capable of stepping up to the challenge, a courtesan.

The role of the courtesan declined dramatically in the late 19th and early 20th centuries, (roughly 100 to 150 years ago). These societies saw an even higher rise in patriarchy and a shift towards women taking on more traditional roles. Even though the world saw the beginnings of first-wave feminism and the right to vote in Europe, it also saw the rise of Victorian morality, which emphasised modesty, chastity, and strict gender roles, portraying women primarily as virtuous homemakers and moral guardians of the family. Very bad news for the free-spirited, pleasure-seeking courtesan.

The reason for this shift in morality and social atmosphere came as a result of a complex interplay between economic factors (industrialisation and the rise of the middle class), religious influence, scientific discourse, and the effects of World War I, all in response to the perceived immorality of the time, particularly in relation to women’s behaviour.

During the Renaissance, a woman who was a courtesan had access to education (albeit through unconventional avenues), economic opportunities, and political influence. However, by the dawn of the 20th century, the primary and most esteemed option for women became marriage. Women needed be seen as marriageable, making it the safest and most aspirational goal. Looking at our culture and bridal magazines today, I would say, not that much has changed. And what made a woman marriageable? Today we’d call her ‘The Good Girl’.

Naturally I’ve started writing a book where I aim to bring the spirit of the courtesan back. Using my life and my experience and how my life has changed since embracing the archetype of the courtesan, not to get money from men (necessarily) but rather because I have come to believe that we can use the spirit of the courtesan and what she represents as a way to live more joyfully and more vitally.

You can use the courtesan to land the job, make the money, find the purpose, big love, whatever it is you want, and most importantly have the time of your life while doing it. This is a path of pleasure, this is the way of the modern-day courtesan.

I believe she walks amongst us, hidden from others but more sadly, hidden from herself. While we are no longer living in the 20th century, our nervous systems (conditioning) and deep beliefs somehow are. Our culture has done a good job at making us believe it’s ideals are our own. Most of us have spent our lives trying to attain some version of Victorian morality pushed onto us 100 years ago.

We still think that being pure (perfect), domestic (immaculate and stylish homes), maternal (having children and being the perfect mother), sexually restrained (asexual to anyone that isn’t our husbands), married (preferably to a socially approved man), self-sacrificing (putting our husbands and children first), and educated (but not more than our partners) is the path to happiness.

Now I know there will be a lot of people wholeheartedly disagreeing with me, perhaps even you. What about the women enjoying successful careers, the happily single ones, the lesbian, bi, transgendered women, the ones not caring if they live in a cave or in a tent on the side of a mountain, and the so-called selfish women living according to their own schedules and the holders of 3 PhDs? It’s a fair point.

You and they would be absolutely correct in assuming that these women have in fact broken free from our culture’s limitations. However, there are many women who, despite their independent lives, are still beholden to the patriarchal world order; it just looks a little different. They’re the women who are doing it all in order to have it all. They’re the women who are easily frustrated and disappointed in their male partner/boss/husband who just can’t seem to get it right or do it as well as she can. She’s exhausted and low-level angry almost all the time. Totally cut off from her feminine power, she has internalised unhealthy masculine power and become the man her mother and her grandmother and her grandmother’s mother hoped to marry. So yes, they have it all, but at what cost?

Today a woman living out her internalised patriarchal ideals will either be wanting to please a man or be a man. Understandably, up until now, it’s been the order of things, it’s where the power was, for a very long time

The book I've been working on for the last six months began as a memoir about my 12 years in Germany. As I wrote, I started to see patterns and signs in my life that felt almost 'divinely guided.' It’s not uncommon for memoirists to uncover hidden truths about their own lives, and this revelation has been nothing short of transformative for me. What started as a snarky take on life in Germany has evolved into something far more profound. The book, now titled "The Way of the Modern Day Courtesan," is about placing pleasure at the centre of our lives and reclaiming power, energy, vitality, and everything our heart and spirit desires. Expect plenty of frank and empowering discussions throughout.