The Way of The Courtesan

I introduce to you three women I’ve been spending a lot of time with lately. Disclaimer: These women are all dead but their spirit lives on in history books, and in all the bold and free women I meet today.

They are three of my favourite courtesans from the time between the 17th and 19th Century. Favourite because they were outrageous, daring, bold and extremely influential. They embodied the Feminine in a way we rarely see today. We as women can learn a lot from certain skills women like these mastered and bring the spirit of the courtesan back in a way that doesn’t make us equal to men, but rather beautifully and powerfully complementary.

Cora Pearl, a 19th-century French courtesan known for her flamboyant lifestyle, daring personality, and impressive sense of humour, rose to prominence by captivating some of the most influential men of her time. Pearl was famous not only for her romantic liaisons but also for her extravagant salons, where she would perform unexpected stunts—my favourite being when she dyed her pet rabbits pink to match her dress. Embracing her role as a courtesan, she became exceptionally wealthy, independently acquiring property and investing in high-value jewellery—a remarkable achievement for a woman of that era.

Coco (Gabrielle) Chanel, though less known for her beginnings as a courtesan, started her career with financial support from two wealthy lovers to launch her fashion business. Driven by ambition and a desire for financial independence, Chanel sought to defy social norms by incorporating masculine elements into her designs—by the way, a skilful blend of masculine and feminine qualities often used by the most adept seducers. This approach was central to her success and helped revolutionise women's fashion.

Ninon de l’Enclos, a 17th-century French courtesan, was known for her intelligence, beauty, and wit. Unlike many women of her time, she openly challenged societal norms that confined women to submissive roles. Ninon refused to marry, famously declaring, "I was born free and will die free," rejecting the notion that her life should be defined by a man. Instead, she used the wealth she gained from her lovers to pursue her own ambitions. Well-read in literature, philosophy, and the arts, Ninon was respected for her sharp intellect and ability to engage in deep, meaningful conversations. Her influence extended far beyond her romantic relationships, making her a significant cultural figure who helped shape the social and intellectual landscape of her era.

Talk of courtesans is rare in 2024 however the essence of the profession, though seemingly outdated, has evolved into what we now consider simple sex work. This modern version is a stark contrast to the role courtesans once played, where the pursuit of money, power, and influence went far beyond mere transactions. Today, sex work is primarily focused on financial gain. In contrast, the courtesan's path to financial independence involved more than just romantic engagements. What distinguished her from a prostitute in those times were two key aspects: her ability to truly experience pleasure and her profound, unapologetic connection to her desires—whether sensual, material, or intellectual.

A courtesan celebrated her life, enjoyed her femininity, and lived free of constraints—privileges that women ‘fortunate’ enough to marry into financial security didn’t enjoy."

At the turn of the 20th century, with the rise of first-wave feminism, industrialisation, and the spread of Victorian morality along with Christianity, an entire social reform emerged that imposed strict expectations on women to embody virtues like modesty, purity, and submissiveness. A woman’s primary role was to be a devoted wife and nurturing mother, responsible for upholding family honour and managing household affairs.

Here’s the thing though, these values were not only imposed, they were enforced in a way that became very dangerous for women to oppose them. Not adhering to the idea of being ‘marriageable’ (modest, pure and submissive) meant no access to money, and no access to money, could and often did mean death. Women were not allowed to own property or bank accounts unless they were married and even then, men kept and managed the finances. Being modest, pure and submissive became a matter of survival. 

The best a woman at this time could do was to marry well, and her (and very often her mother’s efforts), went into ensuring she presented herself as modest, pure, submissive and nurturing if she had any hope of securing a husband. 

This was 300 years ago and yet I’m sure, especially if you are a woman, you can recognise yourself somewhere in these sentiments. In our western culture, certainly here in Germany, there has been a rebellion against purity, modesty and submission, certainly on the outside, but women of today still equate being financially dependent on a man with having to be pure, modest and submissive. This is exactly the sentiment I am challenging and where we can look to the courtesans who relied exclusively on their romantic liaisons for financial support, and were quite literally the opposite of pure, modest and submissive. 

I am not suggesting all women should take on this role, but I am seeing that, as women, we’ve gone from ‘not needing’ to ‘not being able to enjoy at all’. Be it men, validation, approval, support, help, anything really. We’ve cultivated so much self sufficiency and ‘self love’ that we’ve lost the ability to receive it and enjoy even if its there, wanting to be given. Perhaps we aren’t actual courtesans (perhaps we are) but we can learn a lot about pleasure, receiving and feminine power from these women.

A lot of women today work very hard to ensure they remain financially completely independent of a man. I say that there are very few people who can claim to being truly financially independent. It may not be a man in the romantic sense, but a woman’s entrapment may come from the company she works for, her boss, the patriarchal system as a whole; essentially it is very difficult to not serve ‘the Man’ in some sense. 

‘The Man’ and men are not going anywhere very soon so we may as well as women, find a way to get along with them, and take a leaf out of the courtesan’s book and even enjoy them!

I have coached, facilitated groups of and mentored dozens of women who fall into two categories, either those trapped in the legacy of a modern day version of the Victorian morality ideal (devoted wife or wannabe wife and nurturing mother) and the other, super independent, isolated ‘doing it all herself’ ‘warrioring’ her way through life kind of woman, whether she’s married or not.

Studies repeatedly show that the happiest demographic is unmarried women without children. Yet, most single women I meet still place marriage and children high on their list of desires, often at the very top. This reflects Simone de Beauvoir's assertion that "one is not born, but rather becomes, a woman." Here, I'm referring to the socially constructed role of a woman, not her innate feminine energy, which is a separate matter. We, as women, have been conditioned to desire marriage because society has told us to want marriage.

Let’s talk about men. Specifically the men as they are in relationship to women. Get any number of women together and then get her talking about her (male) partner, father, colleague, boss or the patriarchy in general and the emotion you will feel very quickly in the room is one of intense frustration. 

Say what you will about the courtesan, but one thing she wasn’t was frustrated with the men in her life. So how did she manage not only to avoid perpetual frustration but also to genuinely enjoy the men around her?

It comes down to one key ingredient. Something we as modern women also have access to. 

She simply made herself the focus. She was deeply in touch with her desires. She knew that her authentic desire created enough magnetic pull, to bring all the pleasure, beauty, extravagance, wealth and freedom to her.

It’s not surprising that during the courtesan era, accusations of witchcraft would arise, particularly when a courtesan became too influential or found herself in difficult situations. Her ability to "bewitch" powerful men and gain social standing often led to these claims.

What I suspect the courtesans didn't realise is that they were engaging in a very ancient energetic practice, essentially practicing tantra without knowing it. (Some might call that rather witchy). They were powerful energetic alchemists, transforming everything around them into erotic energy. They could do this because they had freed themselves from the forces that suppress these natural powers and energies inherent in all women.

Today, the forces that tamper down the Feminine are largely invisible. It’s called patriarchy and we’re all , men and women alike, waking up to and starting to dismantle this destructive consciousness, as we become more aware of the Feminine, in all the way she is presents (regardless of gender). This of course is very good news for women, however, the Feminine in most women has been so deeply repressed, that even she has become a stranger to these magnetic, seductive and powerful forces. 

For a long time, women believed their power lay in achieving equality or adopting more "masculine" traits—traits that have also been distorted by our culture, though with less harm to men. These masculine traits, such as hyper-productivity, relentless pursuit of failing strategies, pushing harder, and an intense focus on patriarchal definitions of success, often came at the expense of the Feminine. The most insidious impact has been the repression, denial, and disembodiment of Feminine qualities like emotional intelligence, intuition, creativity, clairvoyance and community building.

For the past two years, I have been deeply immersed in exploring and understanding my own Feminine energy. During this journey, I discovered a profound connection to the practices I engaged in while studying Chinese martial arts 20 years ago. Back then, I practiced Qi Gong, Tai Chi, and Taoist meditation and delved into Taoism, all before embarking on my Tibetan Buddhist studies or even beginning my journey into studying and teaching yoga.

I never imagined that my exploration of the Feminine would draw so heavily on the knowledge I gained from these studies of energetics. The Feminine has been so concealed from my awareness that, despite my study of concepts like Yin and Yang, I still hadn’t awakened to the deep connection I now feel to my own Feminine essence.

Getting to know her has taken me to the darkest places of rage and grief that felt older than just my own. I have grieved for the women (and men) who have gone before me and the generations of hurt and betrayal and pain that women have suffered and still do. 

This journey led me to a sort of reclamation of my past, a recognising of patterns that I would repeat throughout my life revealing an inherent and undeniable archetype; that of the courtesan. 

Since I have brought her to the forefront of my life, recognising her as my inner feminine, I have more vitality, abundance and more love than I knew was possible. I am ready to share the tools, practices and theories I use in my every day life with you.